079 | I Smoked 5-MeO-DMT: Journeying with the God Molecule into Infinite Love (at Enfold Inst.)
“5-MeO-DMT is really something that cannot be explained. It can only be experienced. And I want to take that with me into my life. Maybe life is not something that needs to be explained. Life is something to be experienced.”
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I smoked 5-MeO-DMT (synthetic Bufo/Toad Medicine) for the first time, to a full release. And in this episode I am sharing all about it. I let you in on the unfiltered details and share vulnerably about what drew me to this experience, the challenges I faced working with this medicine, how it went and what I learned.
5-MeO-DMT is a different class of drug from the Earth Medicines I am used to. I experienced this as "light medicine," as it facilitated a direct experience of connection with (not to) a higher power beyond this realm and beyond my comprehension. It was the single most mystical, holy, out of this world experience of my life, and I am still making sense of it.
I also debrief on how the retreat unfolded at Enfold Institute, where I went for this medicine.
For me, 5-MeO-DMT felt like that medicine I’ve been preparing for with all my other medicine work. If you are curious about this pure entheogenic medicine, tune in and perhaps plant a seed for you future self. Strap in, because we’re about to go on a ride together.
In this episode, I talk about:
What is 5-MeO-DMT / Bufo?
How I received the call to 5-MeO-DMT
My intentions for the 5-MeO-DMT Ceremony
My reflections on the retreat experience at Enfold
Full details on my 5-MeO-DMT ceremony
The “White Out” aka losing consciousness during 5-MeO-DMT
Detailed recall of my physical somatic release
Existential insights, takeaways and questions from my journey
How my life purpose has changed after 5-MeO-DMT
“Reactivations” after ceremony
Unhealthy habits I’ve released since 5-MeO-DMT
My first month of integration
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Where to find Lana:
I was introduced to psychedelics in my early 20s within rave culture, and few years later I began to use plant medicine ceremonially.
Many circumstances aligned leaving me shattered, and I began the journey of putting myself back together. Plant medicine & psychedelics saved me from depression, anxiety, and a life of feeling unworthy. This is now my life’s work and I have devoted myself to sharing psychedelics and plant medicines with others because I have personally experienced how effectively they can catalyze growth, healing and connection.
This idea for Modern Psychedelics came to me during a journaling session in early 2020. I was learning so much about psychedelics at the time (while experiencing the benefits firsthand), and I had a deep desire to talk about these topics with people in the field. Upon launching the Instagram community, the page grew tremendously over a short period of time and continues to have high levels of engagement.
I am a 3x certified professional life coach, and I work with people who want to better their lives by deeply integrating insights from their psychedelic experiences. I believe that we don’t have to spend our entire lives healing, and that the purpose of life is to live in the present moment.
Looking for a professional coach to support you on your psychedelic path?
Look no further! Along with being the host of the Modern Psychedelics Podcast, Lana is a 3x certified professional coach who works with people on the psychedelic path.
Podcast Transcipt
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[00:00:00]
Lana Pribic: Hello, my friends, welcome back. So I have to say I'm a little bit nervous for today's episode. It's a big one and yeah, I don't know if I've ever been this nervous to share with you guys before and to be this vulnerable, but here we go. So exactly one month ago today on the dot. It's Thursday today, exactly four Thursdays ago.
I took part in a five MEO DMT ceremony and retreat experience. And yeah, it was, I have a lot to share. It was very beautiful, very, very paradigm shifting. So in this episode, I'm going to be giving you a detailed. In depth, very vulnerable report of the entire process, the prep, my intentions, the ceremony itself, the retreat experience, and the landing back period.
Because as you know, psychedelic experiences go beyond. Just the substance beyond just the experience itself.
I just want to start [00:01:00] with a little bit of background information about what 5meo DMT is So 5meo DMT or 5 as I'll refer to it is a molecule found in various plants Around the world, But it is most famously found in the Bufo alvarius or the Sonoran desert toad.
And this toad creates a secretion and when it is dried and smoked by humans, don't ask how we figured this out because I have no idea. It does create a pretty profound effect. And it is also called the god molecule and for good reason, but. More on that later. So it's most commonly smoked. However, it can also be consumed intravenously or intramuscularly.
5 MeO DMT is not psychedelic in the sense that you would think of most psychedelics. It's more of an entheogen, it's not very [00:02:00] visual, surprisingly, and the visual aspect of 5 MeO is not really the most important or the main or even the most memorable component of this molecule. It's actually a very somatic and a very nervous system based medicine and the depth of this actually really surprised me.
You don't get too many visuals with 5 Meo DMT as opposed to how many you would get with regular NMDMT. So 5 MeO DMT and NMDMT, though they are molecularly similar, they have very different phenomenology.
Like I said, it's less of a psychedelic, more of a pure entheogen, so an entheogen is something that generates the divine within. That's the Latin root of the word. And honestly, it takes you directly to oneness, unity, God, non duality infinite love. [00:03:00] It's hard to explain, but that is why it is called the God molecule.
And it is perhaps the most intense psychedelic known to man. I did Iboga one year ago, as you guys know, and I had a lot to share about that. I didn't think it could get more intense than Iboga. And yeah, wow. I think that 5 MeO in a lot of ways was more intense for me personally. If you do want to learn more about 5MEO, just pause this episode, go to my backlog and download episode eight with Steve Rio, who was an OG guest on the show two years ago or three years ago. And listen to that episode cause we cover a lot more about that, but I'll just leave it there and move on.
Before I get into my experience, I just want to put out a few notes, so just a little bit of liquid. Trigger warning. Yeah. This, what I share in this episode is very intense and it's very vulnerable.
So please take this episode [00:04:00] in with love and yeah, compassion and openness. And I would suggest to only listen to this episode if you are ready to receive a psychedelic experience, a trip report that is very out of the ordinary. So that's my little, that's my little trigger warning.
And as a reminder, this Is my experience and everyone's experience is different. So please just watch the tendency to compare or to set expectations, especially if you have not journeyed with this yet, please. Yeah. Just be very aware of setting expectations for your own journey as a result of listening.
To mine, because yours will be different. My hope is to share and inspire because I believe that these substances have so much to offer humanity and they've offered me so much. And that's why I share. And a little ethical, ethical disclaimer just to be really transparent. I attended [00:05:00] a retreat in British Columbia called Enfold, and this was in exchange for sharing about my journey, my integration process.
With all of you. Steve and Austin, who are the owners of the retreat, let me know that I am the first person who has had an opportunity to do this with them. And I think that just goes to show that this was a very aligned and considered. Partnership between the three of us. So yeah, just want to lay that all out there, but everything that I'm sharing with you guys about my experience is vulnerable, honest, and is coming from me.
So now that's out of the way, I want to talk a little bit about how I received the call to 5MEO DMT and my intention. I've known about 5 MeO DMT for a very long time, and I've been very curious about it, but I never wanted to try it because it sounded way too intense, way too out there, and for the longest time, I just had absolutely [00:06:00] no interest in blasting off and out of this reality, right? I couldn't even imagine just blasting out of my body.
I couldn't imagine how I would be able to integrate such an intense experience into the human experience. And honestly, I just felt that these blast off experiences had nothing to do with being a human and we're really none of my concern and all of that started changing after I experienced Iboga. It was only after that, that I seriously started to consider sitting with 5MEO.
And that is because I listened to an interview with Trisha Eastman. She's a past guest of the podcast. Love her so much. And she and her partner were talking about how, when we think of a Christmas tree, Iboga is the roots of the tree and 5MEO is the star at the top.
I started to have this curiosity of yeah, what lies above, what [00:07:00] is that star at the top? And that curiosity eventually became greater than the fear of five. And then I knew that I was ready for the experience. And just a fun fact, I actually sat with Iboga and 5-MeO exactly a year apart, like off by a couple of days.
Lana Pribic: I think it was November. 18th, 2022 and November 16th, 2023, which is so wild. But on the other side of both of these medicines, I now see that iboga is. For me, the truth of what it means to be a human on earth, whereas 5meo is the great mystery of the universe. And I think in a lot of ways, being a human does mean understanding both of these things.
And Iboga was about duality. And the duality that we face here on earth, whereas five was complete non duality. So lots to integrate. Okay. So at this point I want to get [00:08:00] into my experience, the retreat my experience at enfold and the ceremony and what came out of that. So yeah, the enfold retreat was.
Absolutely amazing. It was four days and we arrived, me and three other attendees arrived on the Wednesday night. We had an all women's group, which was really special and yeah, the property was just absolutely gorgeous. It's like a being in a Pacific Northwest dreamscape. There's ocean and mountains and these towering evergreens and it was just such a beautiful Setting and it's not very far from Vancouver the city.
And yeah, we had this beautiful welcome dinner. I Immediately felt that I was in such good hands. I've had a rapport and a relationship with Steve for About three years now, I always knew that if and when I was ready to [00:09:00] do this medicine, it would be with him because I just felt a great deal of respect.
For him and the work that he's doing. So it was beautiful to finally meet him in person as we've been in touch sporadically over the years. And I got to meet his wife, Austin, who I had heard so much about, but she doesn't really have a public presence. So I didn't get to experience her energy until I was.
In person with her and wow, she is just such a beautiful earth angel, living, breathing, sharing love. So yeah, it was just like a very beautiful landing and their home is absolutely stunning and comfortable and you're invited into their home. For this experience. And I personally love that.
I love retreats where we are invited into this like family setting. So yeah, after the welcome dinner, which was absolutely delicious and made me trust them, everything was dairy free and gluten free and. So delicious. Austin is an [00:10:00] incredible chef. I felt like I was eating at a Michelin star restaurant the entire time.
But after that we had a gentle breath work at an opening circle where we shared our intentions. And I want to be honest with you guys. I actually felt really guilty. As I was sitting in that opening circle, as we were sharing our intentions, because yeah, if you've been following along with my journey, you'll know that I've really reached a place in my healing journey where I don't feel like I'm healing.
Anymore, I really feel so at peace with myself in so many ways and there was this guilt around that There was this guilt of do I deserve to be here? Is it okay for me to be here? Is it okay for me to be having this experience if I don't necessarily need it and I expressed that to the group And at the same time there's always more things that We can work on more ways to improve.
And I love having these experiences, sharing them with you guys, because I feel like after each one of these [00:11:00] experiences, I get to come back and bring even more purpose and intentionality to what I'm doing with the podcast and what I'm sharing with you all. And yeah, it's really beautiful to through this work.
Touch you guys But yeah, I felt a lot of guilt But in a way what I really was looking for was for the medicine to show me what I'm reaching for in life I went along with that analogy of the star on the top of the tree Like what am I really reaching for and let me tell you the medicine Dudley showed me what I'm reaching for But I did have five Very specific intentions that I wanted to bring with me.
So I'll just share them with you guys. Number one was help me release the blocks I have around financial abundance and romantic love. So these are the two areas in my life where I don't feel as satisfied as I could. Whereas in most other areas, I do feel very satisfied. So I wanted to work on that.
I Asked the medicine to help me heal or reset [00:12:00] my nervous system from any wartime trauma that I may be holding on to. I don't know if you guys know, but I was actually six months old when war broke out in my ancestral land of former Yugoslavia. So I feel that I've been carrying something in my body, in my nervous system.
And I wanted to release that with this medicine that I knew was very impactful for nervous system resets number three was help me find focus and clarity around my career. Number four, show me love. And number five, help me release anger towards my father. And yeah, that feels very vulnerable to share with you guys.
But again, that's I'm here to be vulnerable and I know you guys appreciate my vulnerability, but I just feel that even though I made so much progress with my dad, there's like this anger that I had been holding onto for him and it like comes out in these like micro moments with him. So yeah, I was [00:13:00] really wanting some transformation around that.
And these intentions felt really powerful and alive for me. If you guys need help with intention setting, I released an episode, I believe it's 77. Yeah. 77 around intention setting that can help you create intentions that are just as powerful and alive for you. So let's get into the ceremony. The moment you guys have all been waiting for.
Thursday morning and afternoon, the ceremonies took place and each of the retreat attendees had a chance to have a private ceremony with Steve and Austin. So we each had a time slot and we went to the gorgeous, beautiful, light filled and love filled ceremony room. And before that, in the morning, we actually all got together and we did a somatic grounding.
We had very gentle movement and breath work. And this was [00:14:00] so helpful because it actually helped to prepare for the body to open up, the nervous system to open up for the ceremony to receive this. really intense medicine and Stephen Austin really took us through, how to work with the medicine with our bodies, how to actually smoke it and receive it.
And yeah, just how to open up to the experience in ceremony. And for me, it was very helpful. And I feel like I applied every single thing that they taught us to the ceremony. We also had a. beautiful opening prayer that is, yeah, the enfold prayer that Steve and Austin put together. So beautiful. And yeah, I was journaling that, that day after our group opening ceremony and before my.
My, my ceremony was around 1. 30 in the afternoon, so I had some time and I was journaling about how scared and nervous I was [00:15:00] because this was going to be a totally new psychedelic experience for me. I was very comfortable and used to these like very earth based medicines to kind of dark. Medicines to exploring my darkness to exploring my humanity and I knew that this was going to be something completely different I was really nervous.
I was really scared, but I was also really excited. I was excited and as time for my ceremony came Steve came to get me and There was just no turning back at that point and I just couldn't believe I was on the mattress. I was really scared you guys and Yeah, I just didn't know on like recalling the ceremony.
So there's something called a whiteout that happens with 5meo. It doesn't happen all the time, but it is common where you do lose consciousness. You leave. You're gone. Where do you go? I'm really not sure. I'm still trying to make sense of that myself, but I did lose consciousness, and I don't remember.
Consciously [00:16:00] some parts of the ceremony and one thing I do love about the way that they did things at enfold was they asked permission To take photos and videos during ceremony and I was like, yes, please take all the photos and all the videos I want all of them and That actually helped me recall and remember some of the moments in ceremony that I couldn't consciously remember and but yeah, as I'm sharing what happened, In the ceremony, it comes from my recollection, the photos and videos, and then also some notes that Steve took during the ceremonies and was kind enough to share with me for the purpose of retelling this to you guys.
So there's three doses that they give, the handshake, the hug, and the full release. Each one gets higher in intensity. And dosage. So the handshake, you guys, wow. As I, when I finally worked up the courage to receive the medicine, [00:17:00] let me tell you, I was expecting something similar to like an NNDMT microdose, which I've done many times.
That's what I was expecting and wow.
It was pretty different. It was pretty different. Yeah. After Steve served the medicine to me I finished inhaling. And as I take the last puff of medicine, Steven Austin start counting down 10, 9, 8, 7, by the time they got to five, I was full on having auditory hallucinations and everything just started melting away.
I, it's again, I'm going to say this so many times, it's hard to explain what happened or where I went, I don't know where I went, but it was really deep. And actually, they told me that it's [00:18:00] not very common for. Such a small dose of 5 meo to have an effect like this, but I went in right away. Basically.
I didn't fully leave. I was still present to have an awareness of what was going on. My ego, myself were still present to observe it, but it was pretty intense. And what came out of me during this handshake was just the start of. What would be many physical and emotional releases throughout the ceremony.
So I did remain sitting up for this one just barely and what happened as the medicine started taking effect over me, I actually started shaking my head. Completely involuntarily, I did not have control over this, but I was just shaking my head. And as I was shaking my head, these sounds were coming out of me.
They refer to it as vocal toning. So these like vocal toning sounds almost like ohms started [00:19:00] coming out of my mouth again, completely involuntarily, not exactly screams just these noises. And Steve's note, it says that it was a natural release with no resistance, which I find interesting because I guess I tried to resist it, but then at one point it just.
Was so strong that there was nothing to do but to surrender and as I started to come back and out of the experience I felt a rush of every single emotion possible anger, sadness, grief happiness, joy, I was just experiencing the fullness of emotion the spectrum of Emotion that I have access to as a human being.
And then at this, in this moment, I felt this deep grief. I'm really connected to this deep grief inside of me. And I just started crying and it was like, wow, I hadn't cried like that in. It's been [00:20:00] such a long time, but I don't know what it was. I don't really care what it was. I'm happy it's out of me. I'm happy I expressed it, but yeah, it was just like this really deep grief.
And then, and I let it out and then there was laughing and then there was more crying and then there was more laughing and I started coming back and, being able to speak and I just said this, gosh, like. it's just so good to be alive. And, I was looking out at the view and the perfect blue sky.
And I said, what a perfect day. It was really profound. And then, once I was really back when my mind was really back and out of the experience, I realized how sacred and special this opportunity to be doing this medicine here with Stephen Austin was, it really hit me in that moment. How profound this work was and how profound it was to be able to have this experience.
And then I started to get scared because I [00:21:00] was like, wow, I'm about to go in and do some really serious work. Whoa, this is scary. I'm scared. And then Steve was like, okay, by the way, this was all within the span of about 12 minutes. That this happened from smoking it to me coming fully back.
And, Steve was like, Okay, how do you feel about going deeper? And I was just like, What the F do you mean going deeper? Like, how can it possibly go deeper than that? And Yeah, apparently this was a 6 out of 10 intensity but yeah, I was just, I had to work up the courage to go back in because it was just unlike anything I've ever experienced before, nor could I have even fathomed what that experience would have been like and then this like inner warrior started to activate within me and I transformed my fear into fearlessness in that moment in the ceremony.
I said out loud, like, why am [00:22:00] I so afraid? This is an experience that's just so different, but why am I afraid of something just because it's different? And that kind of gave me the courage, that mindset gave me the courage to go back in. And yeah, with that, I took the hug, the medium dose.
I smoked it the same way and by the time they got to six, I was gone again, strong auditory hallucinations, the music started melting away, their voices started melting away and I'm pretty sure I just laid back on my back and uh, took it from, from there, I had a huge physical release. There was thrashing, tremoring, shrieking very loud screaming and yelling, actually horrific sounding, like terrifying sounding screaming and [00:23:00] yelling that was going on, which I remember some of, but. I don't remember some of. Thankfully, I had these videos to go off of to see what my experience was.
And for most of this dose, I was completely gone. . I had the white out. I wasn't experiencing anything at all. I was not there. There was nothing there. It was, I was completely gone. And. Yeah, while I was gone from the videos, I could see like I was having an exorcism. In one of the videos I had like my, I was on my back screaming and my legs, my hands, my arms, my, my midsection, my entire body was just shaking and letting tremors out and just releasing.
And as I started to come back, the first thing I do remember was just touching my [00:24:00] face and just saying, thank you. And I was just touching my face and touching myself and just saying, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And I have a video of that, which is really beautiful, but gosh, I just felt so grateful to be here in a body.
Here, just, I just felt so grateful. And the first thing that, came into my visual awareness was light, white light. I remember opening my eyes, but I couldn't see anything but white light. And then, as time went on, Steve and Austin's faces started to materialize in front of me. And I remember looking up and I just saw Steve's face and everything just came back to me immediately.
I knew I was with Steve. I was with Austin. I was in a 5MEO DMT experience. I was in a ceremony and that kind of gave this context of [00:25:00] where the fuck did I just go? And,
yeah, the first words that came out of my mouth while I was laughing was just receive. I said just receive and I laughed and I laughed because it was so funny to me that it, I never realized that all I have to do is receive. That, gosh, there's so many gifts and so much love and so much beauty and so much abundance already around me I've been so busy, striving and seeking and searching for more that throughout all of that, I forgot to just open myself to receive everything I already do have and everything that already.
Is in my reach and everything that is available to [00:26:00] me. So yeah, just receive that was the golden nugget for me. And I just felt so much gratitude in my heart. I felt so much love. I was telling Steve and Austin how grateful I was to have met them both. How grateful I was to be here. I said the words, I love humanity.
And I do, I really do. I love humanity. And I said, it's so beautiful. And at this point, coming out of this hug dose, I felt that I was starting to understand 5 MeO, the somatic release, and I was saying something about like how this is the perfect match for me and talking about how it was like the missing piece and how the energy was starting to match, how I was receiving so much information.
It was just like babbling these words. And, [00:27:00] thankfully Steve captured most of them in his notes. And yeah, this one was a nine out of 10 intensity. It was a pretty, pretty big release. And, after this experience, after receiving all the love and all the gratitude and all of that wisdom, man, I was like, I was ready for the third one.
I was like, I'm not afraid anymore. I said, I'm not afraid anymore. And I willingly, resistance free, went into the third dose. Isn't that fucking amazing that I went from being so scared, so nervous, to just being like, all right, I'm ready for the next one within less than an hour of time. And this is what I love about psychedelics and this work is like, Gosh, this shit is hard.
It is hard. You have to overcome a lot within yourself to like really be ready to receive these experiences. But through the process of receiving these [00:28:00] experiences, , you become fearless. You shed your fears. You've realized that the things that you fear are actually not scary at all.
That the things that you fear are actually the things that hold the treasures that you seek.
Yeah, what's that quote I came across actually in Ted Lasso? It was like our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures. I really feel that to be true. Yeah, you gotta go through the fear, man. Fear. Alright are you guys ready for the full release? We're not even in the full release yet and I had just such a big experience, but again, yeah after I received the medicine, same thing, I was completely gone and on my back before they could even count down to one.
This was a full release. This was a 10 out of 10 intensity. I really don't recall much from this one, from Steve's notes, he wrote huge [00:29:00] release. Rebirth, beautiful opening, joy, playing, wiggling around, child's pose. So this one, I was actually screaming in terror with my eyes fully open. And I don't remember this.
And the video of this is actually quite something. It is quite something. I Imagine that there was just a lot of screaming and then after the release, Steve told me that I was actually playing around with this childlike energy. You know, I was on this, queen size mattress and he said that at one point I was at the foot of the mattress, like in child's pose, like wiggling around and playing.
And there was just like this childlike energy. They also said that. They, saw me be reborn, and I'm actually curious about that. I'm gonna ask Steve about that rebirth, like, how do you know someone's having a rebirth when I interview him next, [00:30:00] and then as I was like wiggling around on that side, I guess there's actually this really funny video of me, like in child's pose, putting my bum in the air, like trying to like move and like just burrowing my face into the mattress, which by the way, I got a carpet burn and I still have the mark and I now call it my birthmark.
It's right there on my nose and I'm a little bit upset that it's there, but I'm also like, okay, it's okay. It's just my birthmark and it's a reminder of this beautiful rebirth experience. But yeah, I was just like burrowing around. And then I somehow managed to Wiggle myself off of the mattress.
It's really funny, actually. And then the first thing I remember coming out of it, I, opened my eyes and, again, white light, just flooding me. Love flooding me. Gratitude flooding me. Love, love, love, love, Love. And then I opened my eyes and, [00:31:00] Austin was there beside me.
And the first thing that kind of materialized was her eyes and gosh we just shared this really beautiful moment and all I could see was her eyes. And. How much love was in her eyes, and it made me cry, and I was like, I love you so much, and she was like, I love you so much. It was really special, and yeah, we were just like holding each other's faces, and yeah, you guys, the facilitation, and just the love and care by Steve and Austin, just, Absolutely blew me away, I felt so safe, so supported as you can see, this was a really intense experience, and their space holding was perfection to let me go there, and I felt so safe to go there with them.
Gosh, just so much love.
Oh, yeah. And then, yeah, I was just like in this like childlike energy. And I [00:32:00] was like, really, the curious psychonaut in me was like wanting to understand this medicine. And I started laughing with Steven Austin. And I was like, Ah, yes, the long game. We're playing the long game one soul at a time.
And I just like really felt this connection to the two of them that even though we're doing different work in the world, we're doing the same work. And that is the work of Yeah. Committing to expand human consciousness, to expand human consciousness into the place of infinite love, really. And I just, yeah, we were joking around with the, one soul at a time.
This is not something that you can automate. Like it really is the work of like, it's literally one soul at a time. So yeah, it just like had such a beautiful yeah.
Connection of yeah, seeing each other as like humans and brothers and sisters and just like on the same beautiful mission. And then, [00:33:00] yeah, as I came back, I sat up and I was like, wait, how did I end up over here? I was completely off the mattress and I was like, how did I get? Again, I have no recollection of the whole squirreling around and moving around.
I can only recall it because of the videos. And then I collected myself and. I just said, okay, I'm ready to receive. And again, I was In this whiteout space lost consciousness lost track of time and space and doses and in my mind I was just there doing a 5meo ceremony and I was like, okay, I'm ready for the next dose Little did I know what I had just been through little did I know that I just released so much that I had this full Rebirth, so Steve and Austin just looked at each other and they were like what do you mean?
They were like You're good. Okay, you just had a full release like you just had a rebirth like you did the work. You're good And then they talked amongst themselves and actually decided to give me one more [00:34:00] lower dose to like ground the release into the body and Yeah, actually, Austin said Also to just enjoy this one and to receive it.
And that was really beautiful because that was what the ceremony was really about, about receiving. So yeah they decided to give me one more. It was a smaller dose, . And Again, whiteout, it was apparently very peaceful. Steve said I was just very much at peace.
This was probably the most psychedelic one. When I opened my eyes and came back, I had visuals, psychedelic visuals. I was seeing colors everywhere, some visual distortions. And yeah, when I came back, I just said thank you to them. Thank you for the chance to take my time, for letting me enjoy that.
And I declared that. I'm ready to live like this. I'm ready to live in the state of peace, relaxation, receiving. [00:35:00] And this fourth dose was very special to me because it allowed me to already start integrating this idea of receiving because my mind started coming back and being like, you're taking up too much time.
You're taking up too much space. Your ceremony is supposed to be over. You were only supposed to get three doses and yeah, you're just taking up too much time, too much space. And it was like really a practice and. Receiving. So that was really perfect. So that was the experience. I'm going to go through some of my main insights and just some early stages of integration, and then I'll share a more in depth integration episode later.
After the ceremony I was completely fine able to walk, but the mind is just trying to make sense of what the fuck just happened, right? So we went out on the porch, took in the view of the mountains, the ocean, the sky, the sun, the wind, the trees. Just gave them big hugs. And then I was like, all right I guess I'll go eat lunch now. [00:36:00] It was such a bizarre thing to go from like the most divine, honestly, holy, I would use the word holy experience and then just be like, okay I guess it's time for lunch now. So I ate lunch and we actually all took a vow of silence with each other, the participants.
So yeah, I just gave an opportunity to just sit with the experience and. Yeah, as the mind started coming back online, it was just trying to comprehend everything and I just took the day to rest and nap. My heart and my body were still in ceremony. I was very much just feeling so much love from the ceremony and yeah, I'll share some notes from my journal.
I was like, I don't know what just happened. It was ineffable by the third dose. I wasn't scared anymore. Just receive life is beautiful. Life is a gift. Allow it. [00:37:00] So those are my kind of like immediately after ceremony insights. And we did break our vow of silence at dinner. After everyone had gone through the ceremony, we had a beautiful dinner.
Honestly, the food, wow, so good. Yeah, just on that note, like the attention to detail at Enfold the food, the space, like the little touches, like Austin had frigging. Bepropolis just like there for me during ceremony after screaming my lungs out. And I was like, I need something, she was just there with the, like the attention to detail the breath work experiences, the meditations are all like bespoke experiences.
They're created by Steve and Austin for this work. It's actually pretty, pretty incredible how much. Love and devotion and dedication they have put into every single detail and they did not skimp out on the food. Wow, like I just felt so loved being served this food that was made with like beautiful ingredients and with so much [00:38:00] thought and care.
So I just feel like I have to say that I, I'm really touched by the hospitality and the love and care at Enfold. Most of us were just like exhausted and tired and ready for bed by 8pm, 9pm. And something about 5MEO is that there are reactivations that can occur. So they warned us about this and I was like, ah, no, that won't happen to me.
Reactivations are moments of flashback, feeling like you are back in ceremony, having this intense feeling that you are back in ceremony, and You're back in the room. You're back in the experience. And I actually woke up in the middle of the night with my first reactivation. And what that looked like was I, in my dream space, I was in ceremony screaming and I could actually hear myself screaming and I could hear Austin just
just being gentle with me and just like telling me to, yes, release it. Yes. Yes. Go ahead. Do It's okay and I just woke up and yeah [00:39:00] heard the screaming and I had to go back to sleep and then in the morning I woke Up, and I started crying Immediately I was crying these tears of gratitude.
I was just I'm so happy to be alive, and I was just reflecting on how psychedelics have allowed me to shed so much fear in my life, and how yesterday's ceremony took me from being like, so afraid of the medicine, to fully open to life, really. And I really felt this urgency of life, to live. The sense of wow, our time here is so Brief, we really don't get much time here.
We really don't. And with the medicine, I'm doing my best to explain it to you guys. I'm doing my best to make sense of it. But with this medicine, it is really something that [00:40:00] cannot be explained. It can only be experienced. And I want to take that with me into my life, right? Maybe life is not something that needs to be explained or is to be explained.
Life is something to be experienced. And as a core energy coach, I work with seven levels of consciousness. And at the highest level of consciousness,, we're not really concerned with making sense of life. We're concerned with experiencing life. So, This was a really profound like, Integration for me.
And it really clicked for me that, life is to be experienced. And I was grappling with some really powerful questions, right? I was in the space of really like this existential opportunity. Let's say, I don't want to call it a crisis because it wasn't a crisis, but it was like an existential opportunity to explore what do I want to do with this gift of life?
how do I want to experience this [00:41:00] life before, I returned back to the great mystery, returned back to that space that I was in with 5MEODM team. I was really cracked open. And I continued to be cracked open for a solid three weeks after this is the first week after the ceremony that I feel like I'm not in that space anymore.
I'm still holding it with me, but yeah, it really cracked me open. And the day after the ceremony, we also had a really beautiful sauna ceremony that Austin took us through. Wow. So. Gorgeous. So much crying. And honestly that day I was just, I felt like I was crying the entire day.
I was just crying tears and tears, just so much love and gratitude. It was like this expression of gratitude, tears of gratitude. And then that was followed by another incredible dinner, which was freaking lamb chops. I love. Lamb chops. So much. They were so good. It was like this beautiful Middle Eastern [00:42:00] spread of just the most amazing food.
I have to shout out the food. It, it was so good. And the sauna smoothie, oh my god. Okay. Enough about the food. Sorry guys, I'm a huge foodie, but. Yeah. Even like the next day and the following week, I just, the tears didn't stop and the reactivations carried on. And there was so many times throughout the day where I was just back in ceremony with Steve and Austin.
I was just back in the medicine. I was back in that feeling of love and I was experiencing my body. I was experiencing it, right? My body was experiencing it emotionally. I was experiencing it, but the mind was present, right? So the mind was just being like, how is this possible? How? How is this level of love possible?
I don't understand how this is possible. It was very profound. And, yeah, one thing I do want to mention is that I developed a very unhealthy [00:43:00] habit this summer, and that was the habit of smoking nicotine vapes. Okay, I picked this up while I was going through A pretty big party summer. I was out and about a lot this summer, dancing, partying, doing all the psychedelics.
But it it came at a time when I was going through an emotional hardship, but I was doing an elimination diet and I couldn't turn to ice cream, which is what I usually eat. Turn two when I'm dealing with an emotional crisis. So I started smoking nicotine next thing, you know, I'm absolutely addicted Can't stop want to stop but can't stop and I was really battling with this before my 5meo ceremony I knew that this was not who I was.
I knew that this was not healthy for me I knew that at my core. This was not something I wanted in my life, but Physiologically, I was absolutely addicted. I tried to quit many times I stopped buying them, but I just I couldn't do it I really couldn't do it. And as I was there the day after ceremony, just [00:44:00] questioning how I want to experience my life, I was like, this is not it.
Vaping is not how I want to experience life. Being addicted to this thing is not how I want to experience life. So I actually had a little mini ceremony by the trash can and I held my vape and I was like, Thank you, like you helped me through a stressful time. And thank you for what you helped me with, but I don't want you, I don't need you.
The stress is lifted and I'm ready to let you go. And I threw that bad boy. In the trash bin, even though it was a 6, 000 puffer and I'm pretty sure I only use 2, 000 puffs, but I was ready to let it go. So I was really proud of that and you guys, it's a month later and craving free, nicotine free, no desire.
So that was a huge win for me. , Left that in the past. I also realized like, what am I reaching for? I had this question, this I guess like mother intention, show me what I'm reaching for.
And I realized [00:45:00] that what I'm reaching for is love on earth. Yeah, love for my fellow humans, for myself, for humanity, for our home. That's really it. And this was such a full circle moment for me because when I first started exploring spirituality, I realized yeah, love really is everything.
Love really is it. And this was such like an embodied. Visceral, felt, emotionally felt, full knowing that that hunch I had when I was in my early twenties was right. That love really is it. And yes, another insight I had was around this, like I've always been in devotion to love and beauty in my life. Like I've always been in devotion to it ever since I was little, but the difference between now and then is that.
I'm giving myself permission to devote my life to love and beauty in a world that [00:46:00] doesn't allow me to. And I'm finding ways to allow myself to do that. I wrote this in my journal. I give myself permission to live the life I want to live. I give myself permission to receive all the gifts of life. I give myself permission to be here and I give myself permission to live in abundance, beauty, and love.
And my anchor statement, right? The statement that I walked away from this retreat was I receive life, abundance, and love. How do I do that? Be present for it, receive it. So this is all the stuff that I'm integrating. And I feel that my purpose in life has really shifted a little bit. It shifted a little bit if you asked me before 5meo DMT, what my purpose in life was, I would have said to experience life, to be fully present for life, for all of life. And yeah, it's slightly shifted to , to experience life from this place of love. How [00:47:00] do I stay connected to this love in my heart, to this love that everything comes from to this love that I got a very small, but convincing glimpse of, so yeah.
And like this idea of what does it mean to hold the light? What does it mean to carry the light or to be the light? So this is all stuff that is just. Unraveled and unfolded for me after this experience. And it's been so beautiful. And this is why it's taken me so long to be ready to share with you guys.
Cause it's honestly, it's an existential paradigm shift. The way that I view life has really strengthened and changed.
yeah. So the last thing I want To just note on my integration is that, yeah, the first week I did have. Reactivations. I had, Kundalini symptoms. They're called [00:48:00] this like Kundalini rising symptoms. It's an energetic opening. I had body chills, pretty extreme fatigue drain. I had digestion issues. I could feel energy pulsating in my body, especially in my cheeks and my head.
I just felt this like buzzing sensation of energy all over me. And that all ended about A week after the experience I did have one kind of sleepless night that I think was like the peak the climax of this energetic process where I felt energy rising and buzzing in me. It was a little bit scary Honestly but I just surrendered to it.
I trusted it. I trusted my body. I trusted what was happening and I remember that night I woke up at 3 30 in the morning and the yeah The energy was just really intense. But after this I think that was like the final big release after that the reactivations and the symptoms passed and Just [00:49:00] stopped eventually.
So yeah, I just I gave myself lots of space. I kept to myself this month I'm going to my first outing. I'm gonna go to a drum and bass show tonight Kind of nervous about it because it starts around my bedtime around my new bedtime But there's been profound nervous system changes that I've noticed.
I have not had the nicotine. I Have not had caffeine. I have switched over to decaf Coffee, which I'm so enjoying my Swiss filtered decaf coffee just Deliciousness so good. So I have my decaf coffee. I'm sleeping really well. I am microdosing Kana The lift formulation by Kana extract co. It's been so absolutely supportive for me during this time I've been eating so well.
My sugar intake has also reduced I've reduced my TV intake. I'm doing more reading more journaling more stretching and If you guys know me, you'll find [00:50:00] this a shocker. I told my best friend to tell her partner about this and she was like, oh my gosh, Rob's gonna fall off of his chair when he hears this.
I I started meditating . I started meditating. I downloaded the waking up with Sam Harris app and yeah, I finally have that motivation and desire to be still pretty amazing. Pretty amazing nervous system changes already. So I'm really excited to see what else comes from this. And during my integration call with Steve, we were talking about after such a nervous system release, I can see that activated was normal for me.
The nicotine, the caffeine, all the substances, the late nights, the television, the sugar, like everything just to activate me because activated and dysregulated was my normal. And I do believe that I've [00:51:00] had an opportunity to be reset. Is it going to stay this way forever? I think only if I take this opportunity and this time to form new habits and new ways of being to maintain this regulated, relaxed, open, receiving energy.
So there you have it. I probably got into the integration a little bit more than I wanted to, but I will do a follow up in about five months, six months about my full integration process. Give you guys a nice update. Steve will be coming back on the show. I'm really looking forward to getting more into the nervous system side of things with him.
If you have any questions that you want me to ask him, please email me or Submit them over Instagram. And we'll get those answered for you. And make sure you are subscribed to the podcast wherever you listen so that you don't miss these episodes. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend.
Share it on social media. I think that this beautiful medicine is [00:52:00] truly, it is light medicine. Gosh, it's light medicine. It is medicine of light. And I think that, those who might be looking for it and are ready for it can experience a profound change in their life, but you've got to be ready for it, in the meantime, if you guys have any questions about my experience at Enfold, I am more than happy to share more with you if you want to know more. You can email me at hello at modernpsychedelics. net, message me on Instagram, more than happy to chat with you.
Check out their website, it is absolutely beautiful, just like everything that they do. I'll link it in the show notes. I believe it's nfold, E N F O L D dot org, . And yeah, I just, I wish you. All the best on your journey and I hope that yeah, your journey can weave with humanity and the rest of humanity and all of our brothers and sisters and that we can all just, [00:53:00] yeah, create a more beautiful, peaceful world together.
The long game, baby. All right. Signing off. Bye. Thanks for listening.
